Monday, November 06, 2006

Self-Conscious

This weekend I went to the zoo for a friend's birthday. No, it's not a kindergarten friend; and yes, Fort Worth has a great zoo. While we were there, we stopped at an exhibit of a monkey species where the monkeys were cuddling. After I looked at them, I stepped back to let others through and noticed a couple across from me on the verge of making out.


I laughed because I watched two species doing the same thing, but I only paid to see the monkeys.


I've noticed myself becoming more conscious of both what I'm looking at and how I'm viewing it. I call it self-conscious but not in the sense of embarrassed of myself. I'm more aware of how my perspective affects what I see and think about.


That night at work, I caught myself again thinking about perspective.


A father came into the coffee shop with his daughter. I recognized him and noticed that he had his daughter with him. He slowly walked up to the register, leading his daughter by the hand and still held her hand while he flipped through his wallet to pay. Then I noticed why he had moved so slowly and didn't drop his daughter's hand. Her movements were halting, and she shook involuntarily for five to ten seconds at one point. She had some type of condition that needed his constant attention.


I caught myself thinking, “Oh God, I wish I saw brokenness like you do. She may be your greatest gift to him. You don't see her as an accident or a problem to overcome. I want to see the world like you do, to see that you are doing something wonderful through all of the things I don't understand. I don't want to see the world this way.”


I realized that when I look at people and events that aren't the way I think they should be, I call them broken, accidents.


This is where God's sovereignty and goodness become hardest and greatest. Hard because there are things that happen that seem impossible to reconcile with a good and all-powerful God. Great because I know his goodness and power best because he became and when he uses my brokenness.


"As He was passing by, He saw a man blind from birth. His disciples questioned Him: 'Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?' 'Neither this man sinned nor his parents,' Jesus answered. 'This came about so that God's works might be displayed in him.'” John 9:1-3 HCSB


J.F. Radosevich

1 comment:

Tim St. said...

I often wish I could view myself with the eyes of God. What did God have in mind when he made this broken vessel full of weaknesses? Why would he elect me to be a soldier of the cross knowing I would come with such a great weight of sin. Though I am not fully conscious of God's perspective, through the Holy Spirit I am conscious of my depravity, and today I walk in the fear of the Lord.