Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Bill Murray and My 'Baby Steps'

If you've seen Bill Murray in "What About Bob," then you remember that he was an obsessive-compulsive who as part of his therapy, repeated "baby steps" to himself to allow him to function.

This has been a baby steps week for me. I've had no peace for days, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat.

My great question is "Can I trust you?"

I wrote this to a friend earlier, but it came out before I realized what I was saying.

So pray for me that I will trust him whom I say I believe? I walk around repeating, "I trust You," hoping that the hurt will break and that the statement be true. I'm like a man on a falling platform, clutching the platform and hoping it will hold. I know I can't fault or question him and that he controls everything with perfect wisdom and love, but sleep comes hard and my worries choke me.

Just to get to sleep last night, I reminded myself of all the ways that the Psalmist says he's seen God's goodness. To get myself through this morning, my journal looked like this.

I trust You; I can trust You; I will trust You. You delivered us out of great storms, calmed the sea and routed enemies in battle, brought the dead to life and new life to barren wombs. I trust You. . . . You made axeheads float and supplied food by ravens, and turned water to wine, rivers to blood, fashioned everything from nothing. You are sovereign. I trust You.

Now, I say,
You made this blind man see, this dead man live, this enemy a son. I trust You.

1 comment:

KristenRea said...

Dana and I used to do something I call "rehearsing God's faithfulness" in times like that. It came from Psalm 37:3, "Dwell in the land and do good. Feed on His faithfulness." I came across that verse on one of the darkest mornings of my life. It was as though God was telling me to just put one foot in front of the other, do what I knew to be right, and take comfort/nourishment in all the times I'd known Him to be faithful in the past. So, sometimes, Dana and I would sit and just talk about all of those things, reminding and comforting one another with His faithfulness. Isaiah 50:10 says, "Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the word of his servant? Let him who walks in darkness and is without light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God." He is wholly trustworthy.